Oh Baby, The Journey Is Heating Up

Things are just getting started here in Buenos Aires.

I no longer shop at a general grocery store. I have a bread shop where I get my bread, butcher for meat, and fresh produce shop for fruits and vegetables.

And I live next to one of the greatest dessert spots I’ve ever been to, Rapanui.

Last week, I was ready to change things up and go to Thailand.

Since I arrived here, I haven’t felt as connected to my writing. I’ve found it easier to speak through video and started recording daily updates.

Some periods of life have been about sharing concepts and ideas.

Right now, I’m sharing the doing. I’m sharing the realness. Front lines of being in the thick of creating the next evolution of myself.

I’m living.

In that process, I’ve been met with this thing called the shadow.

What I mean by ‘shadow’ is the thing that I can’t be.

For example, I didn’t allow myself to be a gringo.

I didn’t allow myself to have a week to acclimate when I got out here. I don’t need extra rest. I only would talk to Argentinians and I only spoke Spanish. I operated and lived as the locals did.

However, I’m not Argentinian!

As you may have guessed that shadow left me burnt out and exhausted by week two.

The thing I can’t be won’t let me be.

Last week, I was ready to head off to Thailand. I started looking at flights.

I had been cooped up in my room, soccer hanging in the balance, my rental unit ending at the end of September, and thoughts ping-ponging around in my head.

There came a point where I needed to decide for myself if this felt like running away or if it felt like the truest next step in my life.

Coming to Argentina in August, for all its craziness, felt true as the next step.

Going to Thailand last week, as wonderful as it sounded, felt like I was running away.

The difference?

It’s hard to put into words.

There is rarely any evidence to support these feelings, other than the fact that I feel them.

For someone who has worried a lot about what is the right or wrong decision, trying to decide what feels true and what feels like running away gave me a fit.

With regard to soccer, I’ve wondered if I’m giving up on it by not going guns blazing or am I listening to the truth of how I feel right now?

Right now, it feels like I am being presented an opportunity to see soccer in an entirely different package. What that package is? I’m not fully sure.

When presented with seemingly opposite sides of a question, right or wrong, I understand that I won’t ever fully know, but I do know that I’ll learn from whatever choice I make and the more decisions I make the more nuance I can see between the two.

I’ve started embodying a new identity that rewards following my curiosity.

The fear is that I may have a curiosity about a coffee shop, an event, a person, or a team and what if it’s wrong? What if I don’t like it? What if it’s not the right one?

But this new identity rewards me the moment I choose to follow my curiosity.

Why?

Because I believe the things I am curious about come from the truth and the safety of my own heart.

My biggest and most consistent north star in life has been about creating a loving relationship with myself.

Oh baby, that relationship has been a rollercoaster.

What better way to create trust with myself than to follow the curiosities I receive from myself.

I choose to believe everything is just as it should be.

All of my love,

Double B