#9 The Fellowship: College Edition

Hi wonderful people!

Welcome back! It’s a gorgeous day here in Austin! I’m overjoyed to share this College Edition of the newsletter.

If you are new, hi I’m Ben! I’ve followed my curiosity across four continents: competing in ultra-endurance sports, working with entrepreneurs, exploring my inner world, and learning about why we do what we do. 👉 Learn more here

Missed past editions? I recommend checking out Fun and Joy, Cornbread Hugs, Math, and Natural Light!

Let’s dive into it!

Human Psychology:

It was 6:43 am on Monday, October 25th, 2021. I sat down in my usual booth in the basement of M36 Coffee Shop. I opened my planner and wrote:

“I’m doing so much, but I’m getting nothing done. I feel like I’m lying to myself and others. Why do I care so much about what they think?”

That was the first journal reflection I ever wrote.

On the surface, my life was consumed by finance recruiting, social commitments, participating in every club possible, and playing club soccer. I was trying to do everything and, as a result, doing nothing well.

That October, the leaves in Ann Arbor began to color, and the temp began to drop. I wasn’t going out at night and was waking up early.

The early morning hours were my sanctuary. A time when the world was still asleep and my mind could finally think.

I’d wake up, work out, eat, and walk to M36 Coffee Shop. I found solace in that seven-minute walk to M36. The cold fall breeze, birds chirping, and the occasional early morning car was a daily reset.

The coffee shop opened at 6:30 am, and I was often the first customer. It had two floors: a ground level and a basement. I’d head downstairs and settle into my booth in the far right corner for the next two hours.

I had bought a simple black planner for my to-do lists, but after a week, I found myself staring at the empty lines, wanting to write more than tasks. So I did.

That journal entry above was the beginning of a journey into self-exploration. Two months later, I wrote this:

“It’s scary thinking about extreme emotions. I'm experiencing one in this moment. I wonder who I will become and how the story plays out. Got to keep living in the meantime.”

I had never articulated anything like that before. I was just writing down what I was thinking.

I can see clearly now that I was learning how to uncover emotions in a nonjudgemental way. How cool is that? When I took what was swirling in my head and put it on paper, I stripped it of its power. My mind could no longer run in circles or go down the never ending spirals

No judgement. No right or wrong. Just write.

There is no formula. Some days, I’d write a sentence; other days, pages. Writing became my outlet for curiosity and self-expression. Almost four years later, it’s now part of my daily life.

The relationship with writing is different for everyone, but putting thoughts, excitements, fears, and insecurities onto paper brings them into the light. Otherwise, they stay in the background, shaping us quietly.

Health

I was sitting in the doctor’s office for the third time in five months. Stuffy nose, painfully sore throat, hard to swallow. I had already been prescribed antibiotics four times.

Frustrated, I finally asked my doctor, “What’s going on? I’m hardly going out, I’m sleeping eight hours, exercising and eating well.”

He replied, “We can give you another round of antibiotics to wipe it out. Have you been taking them all the way through their cycle?”

“YES!” I said.

I left with another prescription and a creeping fear. Was I going to need antibiotics for the rest of my life? Why was I sick all the time? I felt helpless.

For a few weeks, I tried to accept it as my new reality. But it made no sense. My friends were drinking more, sleeping less, eating worse, yet they weren’t constantly sick. Why was I?

I was always a fairly healthy person. The thought of relying on antibiotics indefinitely unsettled me. I knew I had to do something.

I was already tracking food (sugar & processed intake), sleep (hours per night), and workouts. But I went deeper. I optimized my nutrition, limited drinking to once a month, and ensured I got 7–8 hours of sleep every night.

It had been two months since my doctors visit, I was getting sick less often but still could fully attribute when I did get sick again. I needed more data. So, I bought a Whoop.

For two weeks, it tracked my baselines. Everything looked normal. I was averaging 3-4 hrs of restorative sleep (Deep + REM) a night. Then, I drank for the first time while wearing it. I had two drinks that night. I went to bed early, got eight hours of sleep, and woke up to check my data.

• Total Sleep: 7 hrs 25 mins

• Restorative Sleep (Deep + REM): 10 mins

• Awake: 1 hr

• Light Sleep: 6 hrs 15 mins

I close the app. WAIT, WHAT?! 10 MINS of Deep and REM! Did I even sleep?

Two days later, my throat got scratchy. By the end of the week, I was sick again. Hold up, so you are telling me that TWO drinks wrecked my sleep so badly I got sick immediately the next day.

Surely, my doctor would have caught that… right? But they never even asked about my sleep. I was always the one to bring it up.

For the next month, I didn’t drink and became strict on getting quality sleep. No sickness.

Bingo.

It took time to accept, but I realized that if I wanted to prioritize my health, I had to take ownership. I was ultra-sensitive to alcohol and poor sleep, and most importantly, I had to be in the driver’s seat of my health.

For the record, I think doctors are incredible people doing incredible things. But it became clear to me that the system was broken.

I can see clearly now that this was my first real test of digressing from the mean. I had been measuring myself against the “average.” But I wasn’t the average. I had different needs, different sensitivities. And the realization that I needed to live according to my own data, not society’s averages changed everything.

I have so much respect for everyone on their health journeys. I’m rooting for you!

Society

I wheeled the cart piled high with books to my desk and began sorting through them. It was a hot Wednesday in the middle of summer before my senior year. The Michigan Hatcher Library was quiet, nearly empty.

As I looked around, I couldn’t help but smile. It had been over a year since I was last on campus, but while the campus remained unchanged, I was a different person.

For the past year, I had been solo traveling. I left school to explore my curiosity about the world. A few months earlier, I was in Madrid, thinking about my plans for the summer. The summer that was supposed to be the most important of my college career. All my friends were starting their investment banking internships, the same ones I had been chasing just a year before, spending hours in M36 coffee shop preparing. But my path had shifted.

I sat in my tiny Madrid room, surrounded by four white walls, my twin mattress on the floor, perched in a straw chair with my laptop on my lap. I started thinking. I wanted to spend the summer in an environment where I could truly "learn how to learn." At the time, school felt like nothing more than a means to an end. A necessary step toward graduation. Returning to school was not on my radar.

As I ran my thought experiments and considered how to immerse myself in a space designed for learning, my mind kept drifting back to school. Where is learning most concentrated? The library!

What if I got a job at the library?

The other voices: But that won’t advance your career. Why would you spend the most important summer working at the library?

If you’ve ever experienced a moment when all the evidence pointed in one direction but your gut pulled you in another, that was me.

The next morning, I woke up with a deep, unshakable certainty: I had to go back. I emailed the library, secured the job, and three months later, I was back in the US. After a short visit with my family, I returned to Ann Arbor.

The next day, I started my summer job at the front desk on the second floor of the Michigan Hatcher Library, in the Serials and Microfilms section. Dope.

I spent that summer in the library working, studying, and reading. It began my journey of learning how to learn. It gave me a newfound appreciation for school and developed a new appreciation for school and for the first time since I was a kid, I enjoyed my classes.

School my senior year was different. I no longer saw it as a bridge to the "real world." I saw it as a force for good, a space where knowledge itself was the reward.

It took me four years, but I got there.

Nature

I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the autumn air, and looked up as sunlight filtered through the leaves.

It was early November, and the last traces of fall still lingered.

I sat in the university’s Law Quad, my usual retreat between classes, where I would read or simply sit. The expansive grass field, the towering trees, and the gothic architecture made it to be one of my favorite spots on campus.

Fall in Ann Arbor was magic. The leaves turn brilliant shades of red and fiery orange, the air grows cool, and college football takes over the town. Life is good.

Thank you for reading another edition of my newsletter! It brings me joy to share these thoughts with you. If you think someone else would enjoy this, pass it their way.

Thing I Love: Thunderstorms! So incredible to experience.

Meditation I have been doing: The Magical Path — shoutout Danny!

Peace and Love,

Ben