Living In The Fire

I’m sitting in the back of an uber with an hour drive back home.

I just watched the local Midland Primera B Division soccer team play.

How I went there and even got in is power. It’s all power. Power to stay in the fire and not accept no.

I arrived last night to the stadium twenty minutes past kickoff with locked gates and a sold-out sign. I got ten no’s by the security guard before he snuck me a wristband to go to the side of the stadium to the family section.

But there was a door thirty feet before, that I mistook as the family section door. It too, was a back door. Just not the one.

It had a bouncer and a clip board with names. The guy resembled hulk hogan, all of six foot seven.

What’s your name he asked.

Ah shit, well, I’m done for.

He begins searching for my name.

But I began speaking as if my name should be there. To me, it should’ve been.

“I spoke with the coach and am here to trial for the team. I moved from the US to play here.”

He couldn’t find my name.

But instead of not seeing my name and knowing I wasn’t on the list, he continued to scour the list. Multiple times. We were both convinced I should be on it.

He then left and came back with the club president and company.

After some conversation it was finally learned this was the visting team’s VIP section and the door I was looking for was thirty feet down the way.

I walked thirty feet, showed my wrist band, and sat down. That was easier.

Standing in the fire. That’s the energy.

Now, with a security guard as a friend, the opposing team aware of my presence, and a front-row seat in the family section, I sat.

The actual game? The energy was crazy. I was in it.

Pure passion, fire and power. Two red cards, multiple brawls, two forty yard screamers in the top corners, beautiful soccer and passionate fans. Love for it all.

I see myself there.

Who would I have to become to step on that field as a starting center back?

It’s simple to explain what I’m doing right now: I’m certain that I’m uncertain

The fire.

The fire of wanting to go scroll because I’m not sure what’s next.

The fire when a coach walks past me and I chase after him to tell him my mission.

The fire to stay in bed because the day is intimidating.

The fire when I see a cute girl and want to go talk to her.

The fire driving to a soccer game not sure if I’ll get a ride back because the games over an hour drive outside of the city, but my commitment is steady.

What a moment.

There is no clear thought other than I am doing this.

I now see my training as the actions taken in the fire. Not just the physical training.

Four years ago traveling, I experienced similar fire. But my response was different.

I forced. I’d tell myself to ‘suck it up’ when I felt the fear. Discomfort wasn’t allowed.

Now I enter the fire.

I feel it. There’s discomfort and fear in each act.

“You are in the fire right now, feel it.”

I found myself looking on instagram for the first time in years.

My thought, how beautiful!

I have a blank canvas of a life in front of me. I have a commitment and there are many emotions that arise. Fear and anxiety are two of them.

ARISE emotions. ARISE fears. ARISE FIRE.

It affirms the power of my commitment.

I’m here.

It’s cold. I freeze my ass off, sometimes.

My landlady is wonderful. She brought her niece the night I came in to speak english with me. I gave her a pleasant surprise.

I get around via uber. Cheap like a taxi.

There’s a cute girl that works in the jewelry shop next to where I live.

Holding the energy creates opportunity that was once closed off.

Today, I spoke with a head coach. I went through the back entrance. His son, other coaches and staff watched as I introduced myself.

I felt the no’s as he began speaking: We don’t trial people. We are multiple games into the season. What if you get hurt, then I have to deal with that.

But I stood still and calm. The watching eyes didn’t bother me. I just stared into the eyes of the coach. We exchanged numbers.

Fire!

— Benja :)