#20 The Fellowship: Growing Pains

Alright, wonderful humans!

Another edition, another evolution of life. 

The theme of my last week: Growing Pains

Though even naming it that somehow diminishes the real power it held.

The gift of learning wrapped in discomfort.

What Color Are You?

"What color would you say you are?"

I was a bit stunned by the question.

I hadn't heard it since I was a sophomore at Michigan.

My mind immediately traveled back to that younger Ben:

• wanting to have deep conversations

• trying to find my forever career

• seeking a community I didn't yet have

• and a love of a human, doing the best he could

I remember that Ben thinking very hard about what color I wanted to be and what the "best" answer was.

My mind cycled through my favorite color, then what I thought the most impressive color was.

"Purple," I said with proud curiosity.

I remember thinking of purple as a representation of a proud but unconventional person.

A dark strong color with hints of lightness breaking through.

~~~

Holy shit, I thought as I recalled this moment from many years ago.

I see life so differently now.

Then I thought about what color I would be now.

With love and amazement, the answer came:

Light yellow.

Holy Shit, I thought again.

That shift is absolutely incredible to me.

Purple → Light Yellow

To know how much I have grown and then to see that growth clearly through the colors I am, remarkable.

Then she asked the follow-up question that felt like she was reading my mind:

"Is there a color you're moving towards?"

“Yes,” I said.

“White,” I smiled.

I’m moving towards it. I can see the white but I don’t quite feel it yet.

I was fully in awe to experience this moment so clearly.

To see this shift in my life through something as simple as color.

What color would you describe yourself as?

The Story I Almost Didn't Tell

Earlier this week there was a storytelling slam.

I wanted to attend but wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't plan on participating, but was open to receive whatever the evening offered.

We sat in the theater facing a center stage with a single mic.

The instructions were simple: take 10-15 minutes to write a story you'd want to share.

For those 10 minutes, I struggled.

I couldn't drop into myself or write more than a few sentences about any story.

I guess I'll just share a story another time, I thought.

A hat was passed around. Maybe 20 people dropped in little slips of paper with their names.

Five minutes each. Enough time to tell a real story, but tight enough to force you to the essential parts.

The first person took the stage and told a wonderful story about his first kiss and getting arrested in the same night.

By the second person, I felt it: that nagging feeling that I wanted to put myself in that hat.

I wanted to get past this fear of not having a ‘good story’ to share.

I ripped a piece of paper from my notebook, wrote my name, and dropped it in.

As I was sitting down, the MC shuffled the names and pulled one out.

"Ben Brummell.”

Oh boy. Looks like life had plans for me tonight.

I barely knew what story I was going to share. I was nervous.

I played it safe. I shared a had written about a few weeks prior. camping story I

When I got on stage, I felt stiff. Tight. Uncomfortable.

My free-flowing cadence became a scattered, disembodied replay of my camping trip.

The five minutes flew by. I didn’t find my pace or any real vulnerability or connection.

I got off the stage embarrassed.

It was a tough pill to swallow, but it was a complete success.

The act of putting my name in the hat was already a success for me and as a bonus it brought to the surface this judgment I still carry—this need to not fail.

It was a gift.

It's exactly what I hope to keep doing. Letting myself be seen and acknowledging that I get to grow!

Is there a 'hat' you’ve been avoiding putting your name into?

Standing Ground

This life continually invites me to stand my ground.

To take up space and truly allow myself to be loved.

It's been a week of noticing moments of looking to others for validation.

In Austin, I had a community of incredible human beings who were also my biggest cheerleaders.

They gave me space to grow and try things out.

I recognize how unique that was, and I get to continue showing up with the truth I have within me.

When I show up differently, the people around me show up differently.

I have an opportunity to step into this groundedness not only when everyone around me is grounded, but especially when people around me are not.

My grounding stems from my connection with self. Some meditation will do me well :)

Each Side of The Coin

Before I left for Austin, I had dinner at my friend Nick's place. How I arrived there is another story (I wrote about that here).

During our meal, he made a comment that shifted my perspective:

"You tend to bring out my introspective and thoughtful side. I have other friends that bring out my messing around and joking side. Both are awesome. I get to exercise different parts of myself with each group."

That gave me pause.

He was able to adapt his being to each group depending on the vibe.

It's true that I tend to bring a more reflective and introspective presence to my interactions.

I've also noticed that when only one side is present—like anything unbalanced in my life—there's a lack of levity and lightness.

Then I thought about my current journey.

Much of it is actually about having capacity for each side of the coin.

To have both the introspective conversation and complete fun and messing around.

Last week, another friend mentioned how he hopes to both feel the human experience at a deep level and simultaneously be able to joke about it.

That rang true.

My journey continues to be about incorporating both into my life.

I’m excited thinking about the conversations I am starting to have as I continue adding the ability to goof around into my toolkit.

What sides of yourself do you get to exercise with different people?

Taking the time I need to connect with myself is so important.

It’s been a slog to get that time these past few weeks.

But this afternoon, I was needing some time and I took 25 minutes to meditate. It was wonderful.

My being began to flow again.

It reminded me that reading also opens those valves for me.

If there's a book you recommend, please pass it my way!

Podcast I’m Listening To: My good friend Danny spoke with John Patrick Morgan last week. Incredible!

Something I Did: I played Mario Kart last night. It got competitive, I had an absolute blast, and I can't wait for next time!

Peace and Love

Ben